Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle

I am at a point in my life where everything seems to be going right but nothing actually is. They say adolescence is the transition phase from childhood to adulthood. I think I’m stuck in a sub-phase between adolescence and adulthood. And I have mixed feelings about this phase. In all fairness though, puberty hit me quite late. And maybe this is just a modified or delayed form of adolescence with certain side effects. But I don’t think everyone goes through this. Most people I know, already have their shit figured out, or so it seems. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life.

These two years of High School, have been a roller coaster ride for me. Again, just for me. I haven’t done anything special, and to any other person, my high school experiences might seem ordinary, but given how mundane my life was before all of this, I think I am not exaggerating when I use the word ‘roller coaster’.

I used to be a straight-A student back in middle school, and like most people, I had the misconception that I was cut out to be a science student. On some level, maybe I am. Science fascinates me. Besides, it’s not like I can’t do well if I study hard. I can, by all means. But the fact of the matter is, I don’t think I can put in that amount of effort. At least, I am not willing to. So as far as the field of science is concerned, I’ll always be a spectator, an admirer, but never a contributor.

Things became pretty clear as I progressed through high school academics with mediocre grades. I could’ve done better if I wanted, but then again, like I said, I didn’t want to. And I am not complaining either. Things were going fine. Mediocrity was my forte anyway. Besides, who gives a shit about grades in Junior High, right? It’s the Senior High Finals (or XII boards, for my Indian readers) that count, right? Well, in all fairness, the field I’d chosen to pursue (Medicine), didn’t have anything to do with how I fared in the finals, as long as I managed to crack the entrance exam. I was all set to enjoy two years of high school, and I had already made up my mind that I’d somehow study my ass off in due time and manage to get into a decent medical school. Oh boy, could I have been more wrong. As high school came to an end, I also realised that even Medicine wasn’t my cup of tea. Not because I wasn’t smart enough to crack the exam, but because I was too irresponsible to be a doctor. Now don’t get me wrong.. I have nothing but respect for Medicine as it is the noblest of all professions.
The fact that the D-day is two weeks away and I am not done with my preparations yet isn’t freaking me out. What’s freaking me out is that I’ll probably end up hating the course and eventually all those years of college. I don’t want my life to be reduced to a dead end job which gets me money and respect but makes me hate myself every single minute because I do not enjoy my work. I don’t want my workplace turning into a prison. I don’t want a life of regret. Chances are, I’m just getting cold feet because, well, the exam’s approaching. But I am not very comfortable with considering that a possibility because I’ve never really had cold feet my entire life, so far.

Granted, not everything has gone south with these two years of high school. I didn’t make many friends, but I made some good ones. I found Sam, my brother from another mother (I know I’m making it sound clichéd, but saying ‘best friend’ sounds too mainstream). I found my better half, and she’s a keeper. I was never an extrovert, so I haven’t done extravagant things with these people and/or broadcasted our adventures on social media. What I have done, however, is make memories. Memories that will hopefully last a lifetime. And these memories and all the little things that you enjoy doing with the people you love, will pull you back up when you’re feeling down. That’s precisely why I haven’t snapped or lost my shit yet.

My life’s very uncertain. Things, both good and bad (sometimes one right after the other), have happened to me at times I didn’t even expect them to. In fact, the last few days, or even weeks, had been going pretty well for me, until a major fuck up happened recently (won’t get into the details). And it has kept me worried since over 36h, which is kind of why I am writing this right now, to deal with that anxiety. I feel like the Universe is playing a funny game of Russian Roulette with me. Except in this one, I don’t die, my life just turns into one big cosmic joke.

The point is, if I try to figure out what to do in my life and act on it, I miss out on all the good things. So that’s not something I can afford to do. And if I try to live in the moment, and cherish all the good things, I lose track of where I’m heading.

Uncanny, don’t you think?

Dean

Body Shaming: Why Am I Bullied?

Are you short? Are you fat? Do you have a body image that others make fun of?

Then you are just like me.

Well, not exactly. I type this blog because I have been thinking about it for a while. And it occurs to me that body shaming is something we do subconsciously and there might be times when we have no idea who we might have offended. I have friends, alright. My social circle is very small and that is probably because I say offensive things to a lot of people and the worst thing is I realize it only after they stop talking to me. I body shame a lot of people too and I have hurt people quite a few times. I’m not proud of it and I regret losing those people because once their fat stomachs was my very own hand pillow. (Sorry)

I myself, am 5’4’’ and 63 kg. I am overweight, yes. I might not appear so but my roommate knows what lies within my t-shirt and let’s just say that it’s not admirable to look at the protrusion which I call my tummy. Also, I’m short and I have thin arms and at times my dates have made fun of that. So, yes I’m not exactly proud of my body and I’m tired of being the weak, measly and malnutritioned guy. To be frank, I have suffered quite a lot because of the really disapproving body structure. I have been selected at the very last, as extras in sports teams; I had to tuck in a lot of shirts and deflate myself just so the pants fit. I have never won a hand wrestling match (not that it matters and definitely I don’t care). If I were the last guy in the world and we needed to continue the human race, the girl would definitely pass and let humanity end for greater good.

But it really bothers me you know when my pot belly is kind of an awkward elevation in my body posture. Also, when people stare at it or make jokes on it. It isn’t the joke that offends me, really. But it is the fact that the joke is actually funny that offends me. Because, I can’t stop laughing at it but then I am laughing at myself and may be that makes others conclude that it’s okay to make fun of me. Seriously guys, stop it.

There was this fat guy in the sixth grade who would actually grab my thin elbows and pretend it’s a bat and he would swing me back and forth while hitting sharpeners with it. My father complained to the class teacher (because I didn’t like to face any teacher) and she talked to the guy and he never bothered me again but she also recommended my parents to consult a doctor and make me gain some weight. It just doesn’t make sense because the way I see it I just got bullied by a fatass and it doesn’t matter as much as my arms do.

Recently, I saw mannequins at a mall with a pot belly. The point being, they wanted to depict the average Indian male body (I guess). I don’t see how it is supposed to make me feel better about myself. Personally, it seemed more like a mockery to me. May be I’m blind to something good but I just don’t see it. I took Physical Education as a subject in my class 12 board exams and I shit you not, it mentioned that the perfect body shape for women is 36” 24” 36” and for men, ‘V-shaped’. I don’t know what you make of it but I think it’s seriously creepy and intimidating. How can you do this? You are openly setting up a benchmark for all.

Look, everyone is different. Some are short, some are tall. I get it. If Sultan Kosen calls The Khalli short, I can digest it. Some people are born differently, with a blind eye, with bent postures. Some attain deformities and some might have a face you do not like (it’s totally okay if it’s Salman). But you cannot judge them because of that. I know people who have been mocked all their lives for some oddities and imperfections and they have the brightest minds, I bet. I genuinely enjoy their company. But, I cannot think of making fun of their body because first of all, it’s lame. Secondly, every time we make such a cruel joke on someone, we forget about our own imperfections. It might sound shallow but it is the truth and we all know it.

So what am I proposing? First of all, if you can’t deal with your mouth then shoot yourself. It will be better than hurting somebody. If you said it anyway, fucking apologize. It matters and works. But mean it and own the words that you said. Secondly, do not discriminate. Accept everyone. Even if it’s the fat guy at the end of the cafeteria, talk to him. He did nothing wrong to have no friends. Just go up to them and start a conversation, it’s easier than choosing a stupid pick up line for a girl. Also, no mimicking or acting, you do not go through the crap they do every single day.

And if you are the person who accepts all, thank you. The world needs people like you.

Sam

Privacy: How My Mom Reacted When She Saw My Chats!

Starting off with the first story here, I want to talk about how things have been awkward between me and my mom over the past 3 days. Yes, she saw my chats. A nightmare for every teenager, you might agree. I wish I would have turned my phone off but unfortunately I forgot to do so and when I came out of the washroom, she was already working her way out through my chats with a female friend of mine. Apparently, both me and my friend have a dirty sense of humor, which might tick some people off. I had just sent her two memes, which had adult content. So, here is the deal, my mom didn’t understand the joke (because she deals with more important issues than stupid sexual innuendos) but the word ‘sex’ and ‘skirt’ were in there. That, gave me a one way ticket to my mom’s outrage.

If you think that she decided to condemn me and throw me out of the house for a full day, no it didn’t go that way. On the contrary, she started judging my friend which was very unwelcoming and I didn’t like it. In fact, I feel she is one of the most straight forward people I have ever known. So, I tried to fight for her but I almost forgot that I was the one who sent that stuff and that is where my mom decided to grill me and she said and I quote,

“Is that how you talk to girls?”

Okay, first of all, I might not be the noblest guy or the most suitable person to talk about how to respect women. And may be somewhere sending such jokes to a female was inappropriate but I do not understand what sort of protocols are to be followed when you are trying to share a good joke, if that’s possible even. Secondly, she hasn’t even checked out my porn collection yet. She doesn’t even have enough grounds how respectable and a man of culture (as my friends consider me) I am.
The point of saying all this is, I need privacy. I am 18 and I don’t want anyone stalking me and my stuff in my room when I am out or without my permission, even if they are my parents. I know that it sounds very irrational and unfair since they deserve respect for tolerating with my shit since ‘98 but it is an issue that matters to some of us because we all got our own secrets under our bed, in our system files, in our mobile galleries and in the pages of our personal diaries.  Privacy is a joke in our country especially to families because we have all barged into rooms if the doors are closed and the entire house is basically an open space so getting caught while jerking off to porn isn’t very uncommon. Been there too, yeah.

Respecting the feelings of people, considering the fact that they might want to keep their own secrets and also decide when to get out of awkward situations is something that we are not made aware since the early days. To be bluntly honest, we do not consider this important because in our country we have harder issues to deal with. A little family moment of truth hasn’t hurt anybody yet but in some orthodox families, the concept of rooms is just too basic, ‘it’s a part of the house and the house is where you are free to roam’. Consent and permission is trash.

What I am trying to convey is actually just a small picture of a bigger idea. If we get into an awkward situation we have no idea how to back off. We do not understand how much a lone time given to a person going through a hard time in life can help him/her. We do not understand that private lives exist for various people and that there are various ways in which we can interfere with that. We fail to appreciate the value of a person with an introvert lifestyle, we consider it a drag and we try hard to get him out in the open. We do not like people turning us away from conversations, we do not like the whispering people do in our presence, we do not like the world turning away and there is a whole list of other things that we do not understand or decide not to act against only because they disturb us but we also do not see how these little things are someone else’s acts to keep us away from their own personal life.

Hiding my phone from my mother was nothing I considered in my entire life, hell, she never even checked my phone. But it’s her reaction to my discrete personal life that disturbs me a lot and I do not want something like this to ever happen again. My life is nothing interesting if I see it through my perspective but it is definitely ‘only 18+’ when it comes to my mother and hence, there is no way that I can comfortably discuss it with her. Or maybe, just maybe, I do not want to discuss it with her. There is a part of me that wants to keep it a secret. I do not want her to confront me about some decisions that I need to take myself, I do not want her to feel awkward around me or vice versa because of the GoT episodes on my laptop. I know, given that she is my parent, it is very hard to ignore such things and it gives her even more reasons to ground me but it is very unfair.

What I am pleading for (also desperately trying to make a point) is, “please do not barge into rooms without knocking, hideously check phone galleries, chats and diaries”, “to give me some space when I choose to be alone in my room with my books, music and TV shows”, “to not question my social circle when you haven’t met them yet, they are very dear to me”, “to not drag people out when they like it indoors” and not to do anything that might just upset or make things weird between you and another person because you decided to interfere.

Also, cyber extortion counts as breaching privacy, it’s weird and creepy so down vote that sort of activity because it’s so not cool man. Not cool at all.
Thank you.

Sam

Hello World.

I am absolutely new to this, I’ll be honest. I’m tired of shitposting on other social media websites where people take offense on every other word I type. A very good friend of mine, told me that blogs are a good outlet for venting out frustration. And that’s precisely what I am going to do. And I know that my ‘ranting’ might offend some (read; a lot of) people when this blog manages to reach out to a larger audience (if that ever happens). But you see, I won’t have to deal with the shit that ‘sensitive’ people throw at me for posting such content. And that’s precisely what I want.

Dean