Emotional Destitution

At this point, it’s pretty obvious that I was never really a social person. Not saying that I am socially awkward, just, never felt comfortable around people unless I talked to them a few times and knew them well enough. This, this social discomfort around people led me to blabber random shit at times, or phrase things in a way they’d find offensive. Partly, I think that stems from the fact that I don’t react to certain situations the way a normal person would. And some people have a hard time dealing with that. They think I’m dead inside. That I can’t perceive emotions.

Honestly, this never bothered me because I didn’t aim to be really popular with a ton of friends and a great social life. I didn’t have trouble making friends because I somehow always found my way to people like me, with pseudo-social awkwardness, and a life that’s based more on making memories than showing off.

The first few days of high school were a nightmare because I was surrounded by people with interests different from mine and I had a hard time communicating with them. It was three days before I made a ‘friend’. This friend introduced me to another friend of his. We got along quite well, or maybe we had to get along, since this mutual friend of ours soon changed classes. We shared the same opinion about most things. But that didn’t get us any closer. The first time we judged someone together though, I knew I’d found my brother, Sam. Because good friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people together. Friendship goals ftw!

What I want to say is, he’s the only guy whose opinion I give a damn about. His words matter. I trust him. And when he says I am in the wrong about something, it doesn’t take me more than a second to realize that I am, indeed wrong. He never sugarcoats things for me, and I really really like that about him. He’s someone who can shoot me with bullets of reality and brutal honesty when I dare to get ahead of myself.

Things were pretty normal in my Junior year of High School. I had witnessed the usual High School drama and people going through it. Hell, at some points, even Sam and I did, but that’s a story for another day. In Senior High, things changed. Not by large, but enough to make me pause and introspect. There was this girl in our class. I’d like to consider her a friend but truth be told, we were never really close. I didn’t get a chance to know her well and neither did she. Our conversations were rare, and short-lived, and the main highlight of the conversation used to be Sam, for Sam and her were quite close.

There was this one instance where she asked me if I was emotionally punctured. I honestly had no clue what it meant. I tried to dissect the term and analyse each word to figure out what it could mean and how I could potentially fit the criteria to be labeled emotionally punctured. If I remember correctly, I even told Sam about it. He said that I react differently to situations and it’s unnerving at times. But it’s not like it bothered him, so I let it go. In fact, he was quite flippant about the whole thing so I convinced myself I was thinking too much.

Until recently. Sam and I had a little argument about a petty issue. In a moment of rage, he told me that he wasn’t emotionally punctured like me. I wasn’t serious about the whole thing, and I knew that this argument was probably just a result of misdirected frustration that’s we’ve both been dealing with, since the last few weeks(mostly due to uncertainty about the future and getting into a good college). But when he mentioned this, it hit me like shrapnel from a hand grenade. I might be exaggerating, but for someone who considers his opinion to be of utmost importance, I just couldn’t let it go this time.

I won’t hold this against him. He’s still my best friend. And this has changed nothing between us. What it has done, however, is made me rethink who I am as a person. On some level, he’s right. I am unable to feel/express certain emotions. And I am not even sure how I feel about that. I try but I just can’t fake it. Maybe I am not normal, in the general sense of things. Maybe that’s why I have trouble relating to people. Maybe that’s why I can’t make my friendships last. Maybe that’s why I offend people and push them away. And it’s totally my fault, I agree. It sucks to be me. But what sucks more is that I am not able to do anything about it.



You Are Not Alone

I thought about a perfect way to begin typing this topic but as it turns out, there’s no proper manner to do this. I don’t know why I wanted to let this slip, may be because it’s been a month already. Okay, here goes.

Remember the times when you thought you might be completely lonely and the world is conspiring against you? Exactly. I go through that phase, almost every single day and everytime I get past it. I’m not saying I have a great will power or anything of that sort. I just have some really awesome yet redundant reasons. Before I begin with the story, let me tell you, all of this is a flashback, so if you think this might get annoying you may pass. And if you think you can tolerate the boredom which comes next, get on board. I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

There is no single person masquerading this story. I have been marked by many people all through my life. No, I’m not famous, nor I am great at socialising. In fact, my group is small, it keeps changing. People come, they leave. But recently, it seems there has been a pause. I found some constant parameters in my inherited class. Two years is a pretty long time and I will never be able to repay them for making it short. Thank you, if that matters even.

I met Dean, the guy who seldom updates this blog, when I started my senior high school. Things began with him, no, they were phenomena, just waiting to happen. He triggered it. I said I will keep it short so let me put it this way. We fought monsters, slaid unruly kings, discussed politics and state affairs and reigned a successful empire for a certain period of time.

I told you, it isn’t just about a single person. Next on the list comes a very unruly girl. She’s annoying and it takes a hell lot of time to make her see things for real. May be I’m a jerk and she is right, I’m a pretentious ape. I like it, her little rebellion that is. It’s awkward but I really enjoyed that royal meal with her on that peaceful garden that day.

There’s not one girl, there is another girl. Well, kind of a girl. She is my brother. And before you start typing why this is grammatically very incorrect, let me tell you, she is tough, and I hate to admit but she’s trouble for me. If you sit on the backseat, you will know why. Anyways, thank you for the ride.

I admire your patience for going through this list. There are no names, I don’t want to mention them. Let’s just say they are bits of everything I said and way better than that. My list doesn’t end here, but it’s difficult to write more. Because while I enjoyed my time in school, I forgot to hold fast to the memories. Memories like having someone who hated pranks, someone I bullied in dorm rooms needlessly, talk all my shit through without hearing them complain, end age long syllabi in a single night and so many adventures hence. There are people who even watched my journey, painted my shades, thought that I was worth their time and made me fall in love. Thank you.

It will take a while to mention these stories and I’m running short of time here. No I’m not dying. I think these memories are getting old. To put it simply, think that you had the most adorable set of companions ever and you screwed it up. Back when I joined school, I did not have friends. No, I didn’t want to make friends. But if you held my hand in this journey of stupid decisions, thank you. But you fell one step behind. We will keep this for some other time.

The point I’m trying to make is, you’re never alone. To put it another way, you are a space rock, alone floating in the vast space. You will find your belt and revolve around it with million others like you. Well, that’s the hope.

And in case, you are afraid that you are alone, hey there, you are not. I have been through this, we are never alone. May be you think so and may be they think so too but the truth is you are being struck. Struck by the thousands of other lives around you, situations, emotions, incidents, interactions. Think of it as a stimulus around which you are reacting/living all the way. I know, this sounds crap. Just think it as a pep talk, until you find your constants like I did. Just hold tight.

And if there is anything else to complain about. Go fuck the Internet over, I will find you. I look for the messed up things in the garbage.