At this point, it’s pretty obvious that I was never really a social person. Not saying that I am socially awkward, just, never felt comfortable around people unless I talked to them a few times and knew them well enough. This, this social discomfort around people led me to blabber random shit at times, or phrase things in a way they’d find offensive. Partly, I think that stems from the fact that I don’t react to certain situations the way a normal person would. And some people have a hard time dealing with that. They think I’m dead inside. That I can’t perceive emotions.
Honestly, this never bothered me because I didn’t aim to be really popular with a ton of friends and a great social life. I didn’t have trouble making friends because I somehow always found my way to people like me, with pseudo-social awkwardness, and a life that’s based more on making memories than showing off.
The first few days of high school were a nightmare because I was surrounded by people with interests different from mine and I had a hard time communicating with them. It was three days before I made a ‘friend’. This friend introduced me to another friend of his. We got along quite well, or maybe we had to get along, since this mutual friend of ours soon changed classes. We shared the same opinion about most things. But that didn’t get us any closer. The first time we judged someone together though, I knew I’d found my brother, Sam. Because good friends don’t judge each other, they judge other people together. Friendship goals ftw!
What I want to say is, he’s the only guy whose opinion I give a damn about. His words matter. I trust him. And when he says I am in the wrong about something, it doesn’t take me more than a second to realize that I am, indeed wrong. He never sugarcoats things for me, and I really really like that about him. He’s someone who can shoot me with bullets of reality and brutal honesty when I dare to get ahead of myself.
Things were pretty normal in my Junior year of High School. I had witnessed the usual High School drama and people going through it. Hell, at some points, even Sam and I did, but that’s a story for another day. In Senior High, things changed. Not by large, but enough to make me pause and introspect. There was this girl in our class. I’d like to consider her a friend but truth be told, we were never really close. I didn’t get a chance to know her well and neither did she. Our conversations were rare, and short-lived, and the main highlight of the conversation used to be Sam, for Sam and her were quite close.
There was this one instance where she asked me if I was emotionally punctured. I honestly had no clue what it meant. I tried to dissect the term and analyse each word to figure out what it could mean and how I could potentially fit the criteria to be labeled emotionally punctured. If I remember correctly, I even told Sam about it. He said that I react differently to situations and it’s unnerving at times. But it’s not like it bothered him, so I let it go. In fact, he was quite flippant about the whole thing so I convinced myself I was thinking too much.
Until recently. Sam and I had a little argument about a petty issue. In a moment of rage, he told me that he wasn’t emotionally punctured like me. I wasn’t serious about the whole thing, and I knew that this argument was probably just a result of misdirected frustration that’s we’ve both been dealing with, since the last few weeks(mostly due to uncertainty about the future and getting into a good college). But when he mentioned this, it hit me like shrapnel from a hand grenade. I might be exaggerating, but for someone who considers his opinion to be of utmost importance, I just couldn’t let it go this time.
I won’t hold this against him. He’s still my best friend. And this has changed nothing between us. What it has done, however, is made me rethink who I am as a person. On some level, he’s right. I am unable to feel/express certain emotions. And I am not even sure how I feel about that. I try but I just can’t fake it. Maybe I am not normal, in the general sense of things. Maybe that’s why I have trouble relating to people. Maybe that’s why I can’t make my friendships last. Maybe that’s why I offend people and push them away. And it’s totally my fault, I agree. It sucks to be me. But what sucks more is that I am not able to do anything about it.