I am at a point in my life where everything seems to be going right but nothing actually is. They say adolescence is the transition phase from childhood to adulthood. I think I’m stuck in a sub-phase between adolescence and adulthood. And I have mixed feelings about this phase. In all fairness though, puberty hit me quite late. And maybe this is just a modified or delayed form of adolescence with certain side effects. But I don’t think everyone goes through this. Most people I know, already have their shit figured out, or so it seems. I, on the other hand, have absolutely no idea what I am doing with my life.

These two years of High School, have been a roller coaster ride for me. Again, just for me. I haven’t done anything special, and to any other person, my high school experiences might seem ordinary, but given how mundane my life was before all of this, I think I am not exaggerating when I use the word ‘roller coaster’.

I used to be a straight-A student back in middle school, and like most people, I had the misconception that I was cut out to be a science student. On some level, maybe I am. Science fascinates me. Besides, it’s not like I can’t do well if I study hard. I can, by all means. But the fact of the matter is, I don’t think I can put in that amount of effort. At least, I am not willing to. So as far as the field of science is concerned, I’ll always be a spectator, an admirer, but never a contributor.

Things became pretty clear as I progressed through high school academics with mediocre grades. I could’ve done better if I wanted, but then again, like I said, I didn’t want to. And I am not complaining either. Things were going fine. Mediocrity was my forte anyway. Besides, who gives a shit about grades in Junior High, right? It’s the Senior High Finals (or XII boards, for my Indian readers) that count, right? Well, in all fairness, the field I’d chosen to pursue (Medicine), didn’t have anything to do with how I fared in the finals, as long as I managed to crack the entrance exam. I was all set to enjoy two years of high school, and I had already made up my mind that I’d somehow study my ass off in due time and manage to get into a decent medical school. Oh boy, could I have been more wrong. As high school came to an end, I also realised that even Medicine wasn’t my cup of tea. Not because I wasn’t smart enough to crack the exam, but because I was too irresponsible to be a doctor. Now don’t get me wrong.. I have nothing but respect for Medicine as it is the noblest of all professions.
The fact that the D-day is two weeks away and I am not done with my preparations yet isn’t freaking me out. What’s freaking me out is that I’ll probably end up hating the course and eventually all those years of college. I don’t want my life to be reduced to a dead end job which gets me money and respect but makes me hate myself every single minute because I do not enjoy my work. I don’t want my workplace turning into a prison. I don’t want a life of regret. Chances are, I’m just getting cold feet because, well, the exam’s approaching. But I am not very comfortable with considering that a possibility because I’ve never really had cold feet my entire life, so far.

Granted, not everything has gone south with these two years of high school. I didn’t make many friends, but I made some good ones. I found Sam, my brother from another mother (I know I’m making it sound clichéd, but saying ‘best friend’ sounds too mainstream). I found my better half, and she’s a keeper. I was never an extrovert, so I haven’t done extravagant things with these people and/or broadcasted our adventures on social media. What I have done, however, is make memories. Memories that will hopefully last a lifetime. And these memories and all the little things that you enjoy doing with the people you love, will pull you back up when you’re feeling down. That’s precisely why I haven’t snapped or lost my shit yet.

My life’s very uncertain. Things, both good and bad (sometimes one right after the other), have happened to me at times I didn’t even expect them to. In fact, the last few days, or even weeks, had been going pretty well for me, until a major fuck up happened recently (won’t get into the details). And it has kept me worried since over 36h, which is kind of why I am writing this right now, to deal with that anxiety. I feel like the Universe is playing a funny game of Russian Roulette with me. Except in this one, I don’t die, my life just turns into one big cosmic joke.

The point is, if I try to figure out what to do in my life and act on it, I miss out on all the good things. So that’s not something I can afford to do. And if I try to live in the moment, and cherish all the good things, I lose track of where I’m heading.

Uncanny, don’t you think?

Dean

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